you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
