So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
