Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
