perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
