Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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