we're chasing vodka with high fives
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
