I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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