Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
