Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
