so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
