He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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