do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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