Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
