atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
