I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Boobs are out for the taking
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
