I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
