I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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