you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
