Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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