i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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