Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
