Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
