The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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