your parents love me but you hate me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
