You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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