i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
