They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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