i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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