I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
