Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
