I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
