your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
