in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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