i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
