I wish my penis had an off switch
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just had sex on a roof
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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