I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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