i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
