So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
