Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
