So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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