You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
