I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
