if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
