They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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