he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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