I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
