mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
