Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
