So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
