Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
